


take my hand, save your soul

by ultearmilkovich



Series: abby's fem slash feb 2021 attempts [2]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, F/F, Panic Attacks, description of a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:41:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29262960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultearmilkovich/pseuds/ultearmilkovich
Summary: ultear, and the courage it takes to get out of a burning house.
Relationships: Ultear Milkovich/Mirajane Strauss
Series: abby's fem slash feb 2021 attempts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147025
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	take my hand, save your soul

**Author's Note:**

> happy femslash feb, babes! please heed the tags. there is a scene with a panic attack here, so please be careful if that triggers you.

Ultear dreads The End. 

She can feel it in the deepest part of her bones, like a winter chill-- dull but biting. Ultear watches Mirajane plant her flowers in the garden of her family home. There is soil on her knees and on her hands, and she is sweating under her floppy sun hat. She is still stunning, in the way that her hair shines silver under the sunlight, in the way that her yellow dress is so strikingly vivid against her complexion.

Mirajane has seen too much tragedy, but she is still so whole. Ultear wonders, not for the first time, if she dislikes Mirajane because she made her feel so broken. 

* * *

The End is not something that falls upon them so suddenly and clearly. Ultear senses it slowly, like watching grass grow, or feeling resentment build over the small, petty things, until it is a terrible monster one is forced to face. 

Ultear faces that resentment every day. Sometimes, when she wakes before Mira can, she stares at the soft morning light bouncing off her sleep-lined cheek and Ultear can already find something to hate. Even late into the evening, when Mirajane says her sweetest good night, Ultear just wants to turn away and wait for the loud pounding of her heartbeat to lull her to sleep.

It is so ugly, how she feels this way. If Ultear were a bigger person, she'd feel ashamed of the way she treats someone who only loves every damaged piece of her. 

* * *

The sex is good. 

Ultear half-thinks it's the only reason she stays. When Mirajane has her head between Ultear's legs, the strokes of her tongue and the probing of her fingers like an orison, Ultear can forget the way Mirajane suffocates her like acrid smoke in her lungs. 

Mirajane likes to give head, and Ultear likes to recieve. Mira sometimes lets Ultear fuck her with a strap, but she prefers to be on her stomach, her face against Ultear's sopping pussy. Giving, always, in that cloying way of hers. 

One night, after Mirajane finishes fucking Ultear with a vibrating wand, aiming it right at her g-spot until she comes violently, Mirajane drops the still wet toy on the bed and crawls up so she can plant kisses on Ultear's shoulder.

"I love you, you know?" Mira says so gently, Ultear could have imagined it. 

Scared, with a racing heartbeat to match, Ultear strokes Mirajane's hair. She can feel Mirajane's eyes on her, expectant. Too much of a coward to see the sincerity in those big, blue eyes, Ultear keeps her gaze on the ceiling fan whirring above them. 

"Yeah," Ultear whispers back. "You've said."

Mirajane sighs, disappointed. She can hear Ultear swallow nervously, can feel her body tense up beneath her. Disheartened, but not surprised, Mirajane instead continues to pepper kisses on anywhere her lips can reach: on Ultear's collarbone, her neck, her jaw. She wishes Ultear would just relax. She wishes Ultear would stop being such a pussy.

Ultear feels Mirajane push off her body and head to the bathroom to clean the toy. With the literal and figurative weight off her chest removed, she inhales sharply through her nose to breathe. _Jesus_. Mirajane is so intense in a creeping kind of way. Ultear can never see it coming, when Mirajane will open her mouth and say something that begs for a cruel response. 

It's not that she doesn't love Mirajane. Ultear thinks she does, or at least, some parts of her loves some parts of Mirajane. And sometimes, that is enough. It's all she can give.

* * *

It’s also difficult to breathe whenever Ultear gets roped into Strauss family dinners.

Elfman, on a good day, is stupid, but his instinct regarding who will harm and have harmed his sisters is immaculate. And Ultear has hurt Mirajane plenty. While Mira has forgiven, Elfman has not. 

Hell, Ultear has not. 

Lisanna is sweet, but she asks stuff that makes Ultear choke on her spinach quiche.

“When will you two move in together?” Lisanna chirps all of a sudden. 

Ultear coughs, and Mirajane flushes. Elfman gives Lisanna A Look. 

“That’s not proper, Lisanna,” Elfman chides.

“Mira-nee is never home, except to brush her teeth. And I’m pretty sure she keeps one at Ultear’s place. A toothbrush, I mean.” Lisanna taps a finger to her chin in a thoughtful pose that Ultear has seen Mirajane do on occasion. It's so creepy. “Laundry, too.”

Elfman’s pointed look deepens. 

Lisanna shrugs. “It’s not a big deal, Elf-nii. We’re all adults here.”

“Can we talk about something else?” Mirajane says, quickly. “Elfman? How is school?”

Elfman still looks uneasy, but he moves onto talking about college. Ultear releases the breath she’s been holding. Shit. What a fucking ambush, huh? She has to wonder if Lisanna plans these questions just to move things along with Mira. Is Mira in on it, too? 

While Elfman and Lisanna argue about the epic highs of college football, Mirajane leans in so she can whisper to Ultear. 

“Can we talk about what I said last night?” Mirajane reaches across the table to hold Ultear’s hand. “You freaked out.”

Ultear takes a sip of water, feeling her windpipe too thin to take it. “I didn’t.”

“You did. I don’t want it to happen again, so I won’t bring it up again.” Mirajane’s smile is weak, watery. “Okay?”

Ultear nods. She feels like a wimp, needing to be sheltered from scary ol’ emotions. When she refuses to meet Mira’s searching gaze, Mirajane withdraws her hands and settles back against her seat. She tries to smile at whatever macho bullshit Elfman is saying, trying to ignore the dread settling in her belly. 

Later. Not here. They would talk again.

* * *

After dinner, Mirajane drives Ultear back home and Mirajane follows Ultear inside her apartment. She wants to talk, Ultear can tell. Fine. 

But before Mirajane can say anything, Ultear tries to apologize. She wants to make things normal again, which is hard, because normal with Mira sucks out all the oxygen in her lungs. 

But in a way, Ultear finds comfort in the discomfort, like coming home to a shitty home. 

It is home, nevertheless.

“I’m sorry, Mira. For last night. And today, at dinner.” Ultear tries to relax her jaw. Her molars are grinding as she says this.

It takes so little for Mirajane’s heart to turn to putty. She walks over to where Ultear is taking her boots off, and wraps her arms around her waist, buries her face in the crook of Ultear’s neck. “Don’t be sorry, baby. I just...” Ultear tries not to tense up like last night. Tries not to inhale sharply, tries not to ball her hands into fists. “I just want to be closer to you, that’s all.”

“You’re so close to me now, silly.” Ultear jokes, feebly. 

“Haha. You’re right, I guess.” Mirajane presses her lips to Ultear’s shoulder, a mirror act from last night. Less terrifying, now. “Thank you. I know this isn’t easy for you, but you try. That means the world to me.”

Ultear swallows. Her throat feels tight again. “Hey, it’s cool.” She thinks something sappy is expected of her, so she tries to think of something, quickly. “You’re worth it.” She settles for that, and hopes it is good enough.

And it is, apparently. Mirajane’s arms around her tighten. “Can I stay over again? I know Lisanna probably made it weird with what she said a while ago--”

“Don’t think about it. Of course you can stay.” Ultear uses a finger to tip Mirajane’s face up. She is feeling brave, and she wants to make things right in their burning home. “I’ll get the bath ready. Join me?”

Mirajane nods, eagerly. Like a freaking child on Christmas morning. Ultear thinks, the bar is in fucking hell, and she put it there. She ought to be ashamed, but she is just relieved that these fragments are enough for Mirajane.

A good day.

* * *

A bad day.

Ultear, at her very essence, is a lonesome person. A stubborn one, too. She always tells Mirajane that if she can't deal with whatever shit Ultear has going on, the door is wide open and she’s free to waltz out of it. Mirajane only once took the bait and replied in a very sad, quiet voice, that she wishes Ultear would fight for her to stay more.

Tough fucking luck on that one.

Ultear doesn’t mean to be a shitty partner. She thinks she’s just programmed that way, the way some people are programmed to be nice. 

Mirajane has issues. Ultear is pathetic enough to admit that she doesn’t give enough of a fuck to unravel what those issues are, but she has an inkling or two. Perhaps the lover who came before Ultear used to make Mirajane feel really inferior, which is why Mirajane always looks to Ultear for direction, be it big life decisions or the tiny things. _Damn_. It drives Ultear crazy, when Mirajane can’t make her own choice.

She supposes that is one of the little things that builds up into the Resentment Monster. 

Today finds Ultear losing her shit at Mirajane in the grocery store. 

Mirajane had asked what kind of dinner Ultear wanted to have, and for some reason, it made something snap in Ultear. 

“Why can’t you decide for once? _Christ_ , Mira!” Ultear shrieks. She is fully aware of how awful she is being, and yet, she can’t pump the brakes on what spills out of her mouth.

Mirajane looks dumbfounded at the outburst. This has never happened before, and it stuns Mirajane. She wonders what is going on. Ultear had seemed fine. A little quiet, a little withdrawn, but nothing telling that she would freak out like this.

“Ultear, please. Don’t yell. Tell me what’s wrong.” Mirajane asks, noting the manic look in Ultear’s eyes, the tense posture once again.

Close to shivering, Ultear presses on. “You always ask me what to do. I’m sick of it! You--” She inhales sharply, like it's difficult to breathe. And it is. She feels the Monster sitting on her chest. “You always ask _me._ I’m not responsible for your decisions.”

Mirajane knows that. She just thought to ask what Ultear wanted to eat. But she doesn’t say this, not when Ultear has that crazed look about her. “I know, I’m sorry. Would you like to go home?”

Ultear cups her hands on her elbows, like she is cold. Why is she shaking? What is going on with her? “Leave me alone, Mira!”

The pitch of her voice attracts a staff member. “Is everything okay here?”

Mirajane looks like a deer caught in headlights. “Yes. Please, we just need some space.”

The staff hovers, but keeps his distance. 

“Ultear. Look at me. I’ll take you home now. Is that okay?”

Ultear can’t speak. She tries to tell Mirajane to leave her be, once again, but it feels like she is choking on her tongue. What is happening? Her bones feel weak, like it is malleable steel being worked by a blacksmith. Instead of answering, Ultear clicks her tongue and stalks out of the store. She needs air. It feels like there are hands around her throat that want her dead. Mirajane smothers her like nothing can. _God_. She just needs air.

Mirajane shoots the staff an apologetic look and grabs her purse from the half-full shopping cart. She tries to calm herself down as she chases after Ultear in the parking lot. What did she do wrong? 

A little bit embarrassed and a lot worried, Mirajane speeds up. Thankfully, she finds Ultear waiting by her car, still clutching herself like she’s something fragile. Mirajane unlocks the car, and Ultear wastes no time climbing inside.

When Mirajane joins Ultear inside, Ultear says nothing and directs her gaze out the window. She tries to inhale, deep. It feels like she is breathing through a thin straw.

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Ultear. You’re shaking.” Mirajane’s worry reflects in her tone, which Ultear finds stressful. Ultear doesn’t answer, and pointedly ignores Mirajane. She tries to focus on her breathing, instead.

When Mirajane gets no answer, she backs out of their parking space. As she drives to Ultear’s house, she tries to recount the events and find her error. She feels so ashamed for now knowing how to deal with this. She remembers her siblings beside themselves at their parents’ funerals, and she’d known how to deal with that. This, it’s new. Ultear is so strong, and seeing her like this undoes Mirajane.

It gets worse when she hears Ultear sniffle halfway through the ride. It’s subtle, but Mirajane catches it. She’s too scared to ask anymore, so she hurries to get Ultear home.

When she hazards in front of Ultear’s apartment building, she thinks that Ultear isn’t crying anymore. She thinks. Ultear won’t look at her.

“Ultear, please.” She touches a hand to Ultear’s arm, and Ultear winces. _Okay, ow._ “Sorry. I’ll leave you alone for a bit. Get inside, okay? Can you call me when you’re okay?”

Ultear doesn’t reply. Instead she unbuckles her seatbelt and rushes to the apartment lobby. 

* * *

Ultear talks to her mother about it.

Ur is happily married to her wife, so in matters of the heart, it is her that Ultear runs to. Ultear often wonders how such a loving woman birthed such a hard to love child.

“How long have you been avoiding Mirajane?” Ur asks over a fabulous breakfast spread that Ultear has barely touched. The servings her mother put on her plate is pushed around. 

“I don’t know. Probably a few weeks.”

“Few as in…?” Ur prompts.

“Like, six, maybe. Maybe more.” Ultear grumbles.

“Whoa. You ghosted your girlfriend. That’s not cool, kid.”

“Jeez, ma. I know that.” Ultear scoffs. “This is the part where you tell me what to do to fix things.”

Ur doesn’t even take time to ponder. “Break up with her properly, I would say. That relationship seems like a boat with too many holes. Ultear,” Ur smiles at her eldest child in sympathy. Love is not as simple as finding it and being content with it. Ultear has always failed to see how much work it takes to keep a relationship buoyant. “I love you, but you treat the poor girl like shit. It would be inhumane to keep leading her on the way you do.”

Ultear takes this to heart. If even her mother, ever bright and hopeful, thinks the relationship is not worth saving, then it must be doomed. 

“I don’t know why I’m such an asshole to her. Mira’s really nice. The nicest. But everytime she presents me with that niceness, I just can’t match it. I feel repulsed by it.”

“I know you’re working through things, dear. But it’s not fair that you take it out on her, and I think you know that. I think you should talk to Mirajane, and tell her the truth. That there’s simply no room for her in your life right now, and you can’t in your good conscience, keep stringing her along like this.”

Ultear snorts. She uses her fork to stab at some potatoes on her plate. “Easier said than done, ma. Every time I look at her face, she makes me want to stay in that burning house with her.”

“I love you, Ultear. I think you know what you have to do, and I pray you get the courage to do what is right.”

* * *

Ur’s prayers might have reached God’s ears, because Ultear finds herself scaling the trellis that leads to Mirajane’s bedroom window.

She feels not unlike a teenager sneaking into her girlfriend’s bedroom while her family sleeps across the hall. If Elfman saw her, he’d probably let his fists do all the talking. Maybe. Ultear definitely deserved it, after 6-ish weeks of static. 

It’s not that late yet, so the light of Mirajane’s bedroom is still open. From outside, Ultear can see that Mirajane is writing on her desk, probably her to do list for tomorrow. Mirajane loves her lists. Ultear tries not to think, _this is the last time you’ll see her do that._

Gently, Ultear knocks on the glass. Mirajane startles, her eyes wide as she sees its Ultear. She scrambles to open the window.

“What are you doing! You could fall!” Mirajane hisses as she helps Ultear climb inside. “Seriously, we have a door.”

“Sorry. If Elfman answered, I wouldn’t be able to see you.”

Once Ultear is inside, Mirajane’s look transforms into a sour one. Her hand is on her hip, and her expression is dark. “You know, contrary to what you think, my brother isn’t just some angry muscle. He’s really sweet if you bothered getting to know him.”

Ultear feels sweat roll down her spine. She tells herself it's from the effort to climb the second floor through a garden trellis. “Fair enough. Another one of my many shortcomings.”

“I didn’t mean--”

“No, no. It’s true. I have failed you, Mira.” Ultear says. She hates how fucking noble she sounds. She’s done nothing but ruin a perfectly good thing. “I’m sorry I never fought for you to stay. You deserved better.”

Mirajane is silent for a beat. It makes Ultear nervous, and she loses her bravado. 

“Judging by the way you’re talking in the past tense, it seems like you’ve already given up on us, huh?” Mirajane sits on the bed, like it's suddenly too much effort to keep standing. She pulls her legs into a knot and tries to accept the oncoming breakup gracefully. She had felt it coming, too. Months ago, since Ultear began pulling away. Tonight was just the confirmation. “I wish you’d stop apologizing.”

“I have plenty to repent for. I’m not asking for your forgiveness, Mira. I was a fucking cunt, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m just telling you I am sorry.” Ultear smiles a wan smile. She can’t sound too self-deprecating here. “I’m sorry for giving up.”

Ultear feels weak when she sees Mirajane wick away tears. Ultear sits by Mirajane’s feet, like a sinner begging for pardon. 

“I love you, Ultear. I don’t know if I’ll stop doing so.”

“It’s okay,” Ultear replies, feeling lame. “I don’t expect you to just turn it off. We’re human.” Ultear doesn’t say that she still finds pieces of Mirajane in her apartment and kind of forgets that she has made an irreparable rift between them. 

Mirajane sniffles. “I was just waiting for you to come back. I was so worried about you. But you’ve already moved on, and I’m still here. I still want to be here.” 

In apology, Ultear runs her hands over Mirajane’s thighs. She doesn’t know what to say to that. 

When Ultear doesn’t say anything, Mirajane wipes her face with the palms of her hands. It seems like there is nothing to fight for anymore. “Will you stay one more night? We don’t have to talk. I just want to be close to you for a little while longer.”

Ultear nods, feeling sorry for the girl grieving what Ultear had already discarded. “Anything you want.” _It’s the least I could do._

Mirajane positions herself on her side of the bed. Ultear takes off her shoes and her jeans and shuffles in next to Mirajane, close. Even though it is already hot under the covers, Ultear wounds her arms around Mirajane’s waist and kisses the space between her shoulders. Ultear can feel Mirajane wipe at her tears and cry silently. Trying not to feel like a major asshole, Ultear concentrates on the smell of Mirajane: like lemons and freesia. 

It is a while before Mirajane’s shaky breaths gave way to slow ones, signaling that sleep has claimed her. Ultear thinks she won’t be able to sleep, but she won’t leave just yet.

No, she isn’t going to stay forever, but she will stay until morning comes.

**Author's Note:**

> twt: ULTEARMlLKOVICH


End file.
